Ryou's Lullaby
by ShatteredHeart-BlueSapphire
Summary: SONGFIC! Bakura is now gone and Ryou reflects on how it was when Bakura inhabited his body, and how it is now that he's free. Is it the same? Is it better? Is it hopeless? What are Ryou's thoughts now that he's known both?


**DISCLAIMER! I do not own the Yu-Gi-Oh! anime, characters, or manga! I do not own the song Mordred's Lullaby by Heather Dale!**

**A/N:** _Rated M to be safe! No Ryou/Bakura romance, sex, or deaths, just that Bakura isn't there anymore! Mention of Seto/Ishizu and one-sided Ryou/Ishizu! _ So, when I heard this song, this plot came to me… and really, can you deny a plot bunny? I think not! I hope you like it!

~.~.~.

_**Hush, child,**_

_**The darkness will rise from the deep,**_

_**And carry you down to your sleep,**_

_**Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,**_

_**And carry you down into sleep.**_

Ryou Bakura was sitting at home alone staring blankly at the cold, white wall in front of him. He wasn't really looking at it, he was deep in thought. The Spirit was now gone, thanks to Atem getting rid of him when they went back to ancient Egypt. He supposed he was thankful for that; the Spirit had caused him too many problems already, not to mention it had taken his toll on him.

He thought back to the beginning, to when he didn't know about the Spirit, to the time when he only had memory lapses. To the times darkness seemed to consume him, to a time when even the sight of a game made him flinch. He remembered always living in dread, not knowing when his friends, or his enemies, would end up unconscious and he wouldn't know why, knowing simply that it was his fault. There had been confusion and constant anxiety. And deep sadness. Sadness that he would never have anything permanent, that he would always be alone. That he would never know what having a true friend would be like, what having a carefree relationship or friendship would be like because there would always be that constant feeling that they were in danger. Of course, Yugi and his friends had proved him wrong. They had befriended him, and even after knowing about the Spirit, they had still wanted to be his friend, and Yugi having a Spirit inside him as well helped. Even so, Ryou didn't really know his friends because most of the time it had been his other self that had been in control. No, that wasn't right. He hadn't been his other self, he had been only a Spirit in need of a body, Ryou had been merely a vessel to him; Bakura had not been his other self.

Ryou shifted his gaze out the window. The view was pretty. It was autumn and the street below was coated in different colored leaves, like a carpet of warm colors. Multi-colored leaves left their trees to fall below, drifting silently to a place where they would fall to other leaves like themselves. Leaving their trees…

_Like Bakura left me._

No, he mustn't think like that. Besides, it was a good thing the Spirit had left, he had his own mind now, and he was in control of his own body. He sighed and shook his head.

_**Guileless son,**_

_**I'll shape your belief,**_

_**And you'll always know that your father's a thief**_

_**And you won't understand the cause of your grief,**_

_**But you'll always follow the voices beneath.**_

A thief, that's what the Spirit had been, the King of Thieves. Going after the Millennium items, to take a power that didn't belong to him. Was that all he had ever cared about? Had he never cared for nobody else? Ryou supposed he had, only in his childhood. Sometimes, Bakura would let down his guard and Ryou had been able to see parts of the Spirit's past. He had known about Kul Elna, about what had happened there. How he had been the only survivor, that his family had been killed. And why? Because the elder High Priest had ordered it so.

And what about Ryou himself? Hadn't he also lost family? Hadn't his sister and mother also been killed? Didn't he also know what grief felt like? What it was to know someone you hold dear and have them ripped away from you for the simple reason that you loved them? That they existed in your life? Ryou closed his eyes willing the tears away, no, now was not the time to cry. He wouldn't, he couldn't cry. And yet, why not? Whispered thoughts drifted to him, whispered thoughts that were once words the Spirit had told him. _They didn't care, they never cared about you. They only pretended, they only wanted to imprison you in a cage of lies. They never loved you. I saved you Ryou, I set you free from them and from their lies. If they truly loved you, if your whole family had, why didn't they help you when you most needed it? Why did your father abandon you? If he really loved you, he wouldn't have left you like this, all alone to fend for yourself._

"No! You're wrong! You were never right! They did love me and you took them away! They did love me…" Ryou said the last part softly, had spoken to an empty room, for there no longer was a Spirit to tell him such things and yet, his words were like an ever-present ghost, haunting him, making him doubt his beliefs. Bakura had been right of at least one thing. His father had left. He had become afraid of Ryou, so afraid he sent him go to Japan and live alone. Sure he would send money, but that was expected, and it was the least he could do. Bakura had been right, his father had abandoned him… for things he wasn't even aware he had done. Again, Ryou closed his eyes, tighter this time, the flow of tears harder to put off, harder to fight off.

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty, loyalty**_

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty only to me.**_

_I control you Ryou and whenever I want I can take over your body. You're weak and you are under my power, even if unwilling, you will serve my purpose._ Powerful and dominating words, like Bakura himself. Commanding and influential was the way Bakura was… the opposite of Ryou, who was a follower and a quiet boy.

"No! You don't control me! I'm free! I'm finally free from you!" Ryou shouted placing his hands over his ears and shaking his head. And it was useless for the words stemmed from days past, when another presence, a dark presence had been inside him.

_**Guileless son,**_

_**Your spirit will hate her,**_

_**The flower who married my brother the traitor.**_

_**And you will expose his puppeteer behavior,**_

_**For you are the proof of how he betrayed her loyalty.**_

Love. Why had Bakura always found a way to twist any kind of love against Ryou? Hadn't he done that with his family? And hadn't he done it again with the first and only time Ryou had actually fallen in love? It had been after Battle City, when his body and soul had been brought back from the Shadow Realm. It had been the first time he had met her, and he had fallen in love with her. Ishizu Ishtar, the poised, calm woman who radiated an aura of tranquility about her. They had had friendly conversations all the way from the Tower back to Domino. They had sought each other for the company, and Ryou knew after only a short time that she was the one. And he had loved her, he loved her still.

But for some reason, Bakura had hated her. No, he supposed he understood in part why that was. It was because Ishizu was like the reincarnation of a woman Bakura had known in his past in ancient Egypt. Her name had been Isis, and she too, had been the holder of the Millennium necklace. It was unclear to Ryou whether Bakura had had feelings for Isis or if he hated her simply because she had dared to side with the Pharaoh whom he hated so much, but that was the fact, that Bakura hated Ishizu. Still, that had been useful to Ryou. For Bakura had first opened up Ryou's eyes of the wrenching truth. About the fact that Ishizu had feelings for one Seto Kaiba. And it seemed Kaiba returned those feelings. Both had been so subdued about it nobody had noticed; only Bakura had, because he had been so attentive to it so he could bring it up into Ryou's perspective.

At first, Ryou hadn't known what to think. He hadn't been all that sure if Bakura had been right so he watched carefully. By the time Ishizu, her brother, and Odion had boarded the ship, he still hadn't known. He had felt so upset at her departure because he didn't know if he'd ever see her again. A long time had passed before Ryou saw her again. At the Ceremonial Battle, the duel between Yugi and Atem, to see if Yugi was ready to be on his own and Atem could finally rest in peace. He had seen her and she had been as kind as ever to him. Of course, by that time the Spirit had been destroyed and Ryou was free. He knew that had to be the last chance he'd see her, and so he wanted to tell her how he felt, tell her he loved her. After the duel (which Yugi had won) they had gone back, gone to the airport, and it had been Ryou's last chance. He had stayed behind a bit as his friends moved forward so he could talk to her, since she had talked to Kaiba the whole trip there. Until now, he wished he'd just left. He remembered standing there watching, when Kaiba stepped closer to her and spoke to her, to which she replied. They both looked serious, Ryou didn't know what they had been talking about. Hadn't, until Kaiba had taken Ishizu's upper arms and had leaned in to kiss her. Ryou's eyes had widened at that, he'd never pinned Kaiba as that kind of person anyway, but he was even more confused when Ishizu didn't struggled and after a short moment she too had leaned into the kiss. And when they broke apart, they were both giving each other serene smiles. Ryou had turned away at that point, realization hitting him almost as if it had had a physical force. He managed to swallow hard and keep the tears at bay. Of course, why hadn't he just listened to Bakura? He had been right, and when he thought about it, it made sense, for those two were very much alike.

A month later Ishizu along with her brother and Odion had come to Japan and she had taken a job at the museum. And a year after that Ryou had received an invitation to Kaiba's and Ishizu's wedding. He wouldn't have gone, but the note Ishizu had written to him about how he had been her first real friend and she would be so happy if he came… he couldn't have denied her that. After all, he wanted her to be happy. And that's what love was about, wasn't it? About making the person you loved happy? And so he had gone. It had been torture to watch the happy groom and bride… and his friends who also had lovers… and he was by himself.

Bakura hadn't limited himself to just making it painful for Ryou, no, he had also tried to turn him against Kaiba. To turn his jealousy and confusion of the probability Kaiba liked Ishizu into anger against him. But Ryou couldn't, he couldn't bring himself to turn against Kaiba, because no matter what the other boy said, he was still a friend, and Ryou wouldn't do that to a friend. But it had been difficult, had been tempted even to follow Bakura's words, so easy, and yet up to this day he was proud that he hadn't let Bakura talk him into it.

A lone tear escaped Ryou, for the heartbreak, for the painful truths, for his lost love, for the love he had of a woman he couldn't ever have. But after that tear he wiped his eyes of the other tears that had gathered. No, he wouldn't cry for that either, because the past was the past and he had to try to move on.

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty, loyalty,**_

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty only to me.**_

_**Hush, child,**_

_**The darkness will rise from the deep,**_

_**And carry you down into sleep.**_

_**Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,**_

_**And carry you down into sleep.**_

When you experience darkness, do people expect you to simply forget? Because it seems everyone thought that's what he was supposed to do. He couldn't even talk about Bakura to anyone, who would want to listen to him talk about someone who's caused them so much trouble? But there were memories, memories he could never dispel from his mind.

One of his most vivid memories was Duelist Kingdom, when he had been trapped in the Change of Hearts card; it had been such a horrible time! He had been worried about what Bakura would do to his friends, because he knew even then that Bakura wanted the Millennium items, and Yugi had the Puzzle. He hadn't been able to do anything, so he had been happy to fight the darkness for once with his friends by helping him. He had been (still would be if he had to) willing to give up his own soul, his very life just to be able to fight the darkness.

Then there was the time in Battle City, he hadn't been awake for that part and he hadn't even been in control of his body when he had been stabbed. He hadn't been conscious when he was taken to the hospital or when the dark Spirit had taken control of his body and entered the Battle City Tournament. There was only a small amount of memory he had, when he had been in a middle of the duel in the face of Slifer the Sky Dragon. He had been facing Atem, but it was hard to concentrate on all that when he was in tremendous pain, from the wound and the blows Bakura had already taken. He'd passed out after that, and he'd felt guilty because he hadn't been able to do anything, he had been weak, and in that tournament, good had triumph, but not because of him. In fact, he had been part of the darkness, as he couldn't suppress the Spirit, not that he ever could.

He tried to take the cowardly way out when he began running away, but he learned that to be a mistake anyway, since the Spirit eventually won. He tried running as fast as he could, ended up in a church and went in for a rest, thinking that perhaps the Spirit wouldn't be able to go inside, but that had proven to be false, for that was when it had possessed him again. For this time Ryou had been conscious of what was going on, and yet he had been so helpless to do anything he had felt frustrated. He remembered Bakura hurting Mokuba and using him as bait to lure Kaiba into a duel. The worst part of that was that it took a while for Kaiba to believe it wasn't really Ryou but the evil Spirit. He'd felt some relief when Kaiba stopped glaring at him and talked to him normally, because then he knew Kaiba was aware it wasn't him. He also remembered going to Egypt and him trying to convince Bakura to not do it, but he had been so close to what he wanted he was beyond listening to anyone at all. After a bit he remembered going into a sort of cave and finding some scriptures and seeing Yugi and their friends. He had willed himself to find the strength to warn them, but it had been useless for at that time, Bakura had left his body and making Ryou once again go unconscious.

Ryou sighed before taking a deep breath. All he had been was a hindrance. He himself had been weak, allowing the darkness to consume him to the point where he had no say what had happened. And it wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that he hadn't been strong enough to do anything and that Bakura had known and understood Ryou so well that he could use words to his advantage. To let the darkness have him momentarily. Ryou didn't like admitting this and he did it without really wanting to that sometimes, just sometimes he had found relief in the darkness, to simply have someone take over, to have someone do things instead of him, but when he saw the results he most often than not regretted it. What else could he do but regret when the things had already been done? There had been nothing to do except be there for his friends when he could.

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty, loyalty**_

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty only to me.**_

_**Guileless son,**_

_**Each day you grow older,**_

_**Each moment I'm watching my vengeance unfold.**_

_**For the child of my body,**_

_**The flesh of my soul,**_

_**Will die in returning the birthright he stole.**_

Years. Too many years Ryou had lived with Bakura inside him. Had become almost like a part of him. Yes, Bakura was evil, yes Bakura didn't care about Ryou as he wished he would, yes Bakura had made him and his friends suffer, but Ryou had lived so many years with Bakura as a constant companion he had become a part of him. Really, Yugi and his friends were a part of his life, but Bakura had been with him longer than his friends. After all, he and Bakura had first become one back in Britain, even if he wasn't aware of it.

He felt that on some level, that even though he didn't have the power to control Bakura, Ryou felt that he understood and knew Bakura. Enough to know and understand why Bakura had done what he did in the past, even though Ryou himself wouldn't have done that. Bakura too, knew and understood Ryou, but unlike the docile boy, he was able to hit Ryou emotionally with words and reminders. Still, he knew that at some point Bakura had saved Ryou, that time at Battle City, when he had relinquished control of the body so Atem wouldn't attack, so the body wouldn't be lost. Ryou knew Bakura had done this for personal gain, but one of the few things Ryou didn't understand about Bakura was why he had told him this, because Ryou never asked. He thought about that frequently but he could never come to a conclusion… one that made sense anyway. He liked to think that it was some twisted way that Bakura wanted to show Ryou he cared, but Ryou knew better than that.

Ryou bowed his head, hiding his face in his hands. In a twisted way Ryou and Bakura had a companionship where even if they didn't like to admit it, they had needed that companionship. And now, Ryou had been left alone, had been abandoned once again, had been left without warning once again. Sure, Ryou had his friends, but it wasn't the same. They didn't know him as much as Bakura had known him, and Ryou being his reserved self, had a hard time talking about it to anyone. He drew in a shaky breath and released it slowly. They hadn't said goodbye. He was sure that even if Bakura was as evil as he was, he would have, in some form, said goodbye to Ryou… and Ryou knew that even though he would have felt happy, he would have said some form of goodbye to the Spirit whom he had shared a body for so many years. But now, Ryou was not at peace, because right now he felt alone… and he really was alone. His eyes once again shut tightly to keep the tears away. Did he really want to grieve and cry for someone who had caused him so much tragedy?

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty, loyalty,**_

_**Loyalty, loyalty, loyalty only to me.**_

_**Hush, child,**_

_**The darkness will rise from the deep,**_

_**And carry you down into sleep.**_

_**Child, the darkness will rise from the deep,**_

_**And carry you down into sleep.**_

Alone in a new type of darkness. That's where Ryou was right now. This darkness was different in that it was evil only to him, for nobody else knew of this darkness surrounding him. Perhaps it was payback for all the things that were caused for his weakness. Another difference was that this time he was alone in this darkness. He had to fight to not get sucked in, but he was getting tired of doing so, though his friends were of help. Early in the absence of Bakura, he had been ecstatic, he was finally free of him, finally able to live his own life. But after some time, he realized that there were things he missed about Bakura, things nobody knew happened, things that were routine, things nobody would probably believe Bakura was capable of.

_Bakura, what would you do if you had come back without a memory, like the Pharaoh?_

_What the hell! What kind of bloody question is that Ryou?_

_I'm just curious is all. I just want to know what you would do._

_What makes you think I owe you an answer?_

_I-I was just curious is all Bakura. You don't owe me an answer._

After a long pause Bakura growled. _Grow a backbone! I don't have to bloody answer but I might as well shut you up. What was it again?_

Ryou knew he was stalling for time but he smiled, he had chosen to answer him. _I just want to know what you would do if you had come back without a memory, like the Pharaoh._

_Don't compare me to that disgusting Spirit!_

_Oh… I'm sorry._

_Whatever. Anyway… well, if I had no memory I wouldn't know what I'm fighting for._

_That's my point. There wouldn't be any hatred from your part because you wouldn't remember._

_Will you let me finish you bloody git?_

_Sorry._

_Ugh… anyway, well, if I didn't remember we wouldn't be here in the first place. Since your father sent you here because he was afraid of me. So, I don't know._

_Okay, but what if the situation was different? What if we _were_ here and knew the people we did but you didn't remember your past?_

_What the hell is up with you and so many questions!_

_Sorry Bakura._

_Will you stop apologizing so much! It's annoying!_

_I'm-_

_Ryou!_

_Sorry!_

_I swear Ryou…_

_Okay! Okay… I'll try to stop._

_Hm. Well… I don't know. I suppose you want me to tell you that I'd be all lovey-dovey with your friends and the Pharaoh, right? That'd it'd be a touching scene with a happily ever after, right? Isn't that what you want to hear?_

_Well… I…I-_

_Shut up. Anyway, hm, who knows, maybe that's the way it'd be, I don't know. Except for the lovey-dovey part, I don't do lovey-dovey. I'm not a very huggy person anyway, even if I didn't remember._ Ryou giggled at Bakura's response. _Now what?_

_Well… I think that if you didn't remember you'd be kind of like Kaiba. You'd be proud, nagging, and sharp-tongued… but you'd be a good friend._

_Who asked you?_

_So- I-I mean um… nobody._

_Right. _Bakura was silent a moment. _Who knows, maybe that's what I'd be like… but the situation's not like that Ryou and you have to stop thinking otherwise._

Ryou's forming smile died on his lips. Bakura was right. _I know Bakura._

_Hey look, this is who you got, okay? We're stuck with each other. I'm not your first choice of spirit to get stuck with and you're not my first choice of host, but we have to deal. Because I'll do everything in my power to get rid of that Pharaoh, of stealing the Puzzle, and it doesn't matter who gets in the way, got it?_

_Yes Bakura, I get it._

Ryou sighed remembering those conversations and many others. Conversations of 'what if's' or 'if you could do's' were rather eye-opening and a bit comforting to Ryou. Sure he was glad to be free of the Spirit, but maybe… maybe if they had stayed together long enough Ryou would've made Bakura see sense. Because many times Ryou got the impression Bakura did this because he felt he had to, but if he didn't…

A dry sob escaped Ryou and he squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that he was getting a headache he welcomed. Anything to take away this pain inside him. It was easier to deal with external pain than internal pain. But then he realized it didn't matter, and that in a way, Ryou deserved to cry and to grieve… because he wasn't at peace. Then another realization hit him, a bigger one, and a more important one. A strong awareness hit him that made fall off the couch and onto his knees on the ground.

And he cried. He cried like a person without consolation. Loud, wailing sobs escaped him as never-ending, salty tears made tracks along smooth, soft cheeks. Doe-like, beautiful brown eyes became glassy with wetness and the tears simply came. And this was so much easier than holding it in, than trying to pretend he didn't need this, didn't want it. He didn't care anymore, he didn't care whether it was correct to cry for someone that had made him suffer so. Didn't care about anything. He was alone, really alone, and his companion wasn't there, it was just him and an empty room, abandoned once again by another person he had unwillingly and unknowingly come to care for.

"Bakura," Ryou sobbed, "Bakura I… I miss you."

There was no response for the room was empty save for a boy on the floor crying out his heart's pain. For the Spirit for whom he cried for was no longer there and could no longer hear him.

=Finis=

**Please take the time to review and tell me how I did. Thank you.**


End file.
